Matching Phish with Republicans, A Task Not for the Weary, or Dull

Thankfully, the 20^th and final Republican debate has come and passed.

Now and for the reminder of the election, we won't have to haphazardly catch – at the same time and on the same stage – any of Rick Santorum’s wrath of God diatribes, Newt Gingrich’s myriad countenances, Ron Paul’s stammering responses, and, lest I forget, though it’s so very easy to, Mitt Romney’s drab closing remarks, while channel surfing again.

In recognizing this blissful truth, and in honor of the 10-state vote fest that is Super Tuesday, I decided to see if I could match, through comparing habits and personalities, the four candidates with the four members of Phish.

Ron Paul and Jon Fishman

Paul and Fish: a match made in some disturbed netherworld. Paul talks. A lot. Fish talks. A lot. Do their thought conductors always know where the train is bound? Nope. Still, they love to ruminate. Do people pay much attention to these ruminations? Nope.

Of course, they share more than the ability to groan (or, in Paul's case, yelp) on and on; they are enormously popular and regarded as idols – Godfathers, even – within their respected communities.

Newt Gingrich and Trey Anastasio

Natural leaders hell-bent on perfection, Gingrich and Anastasio are grandiose superstars and unconscious spotlight grabbers. They think big – Gingrich with his space predictions, Anastasio with his symphony collaborations. Not to mention, their followers have created similar sayings aimed at consoling their wives: “poor Sue,” and “poor Callista.” (O.K., the last one is only half true.)

 Rick Santorum and Mike Gordon

These guys worship vests. And they despise being trumped by bigger celebrities. Manuscripts upon manuscripts of quirkiness are stapled to their souls, and, did I mention, both worship vests – sweater vests for Mr. Santorum and, well, odd vests for Mr. Gordon. 

Yet, more than anything else, what makes these gentlemen the perfect match is the fact that, though people heave mud globs of doubt at them on a daily basis, inexorably, they always come from behind with fury.

Mitt Romney and Page McConnell

Romney is reticence personified. McConnell is the quiet Beatle. But both men share hidden ambitions of grandeur. And both men are immensely self-aware of their professional prowess – in the private sector and in the entertainment sector. In truth, Romney and McConnell were the hardest to match. Perhaps, it’s fate, then, that they should coalesce so wonderfully. Or, maybe, it’s just laziness, and a bit of tomfoolery, on my part.